A serious post tonight, a cautionary tale, and a warning to those that spoil their male children. I’m talking about a rare disease. Golden Penis Syndrome. It’s not lethal...yet. What is Golden Penis Syndrome, you ask? It’s a terrible disease affecting men of various ages and cultural backgrounds but almost exclusively the first-generation immigrant populations in America. It is the result of life-long coddling and spoiling from overbearing, helicopter mothers and fathers that bought into the patriarchy hook, line, and sinker! In addition to the coddling, the loving mothers tend to: ego-pump their sons into believing they can do no wrong, convince them no woman on earth will ever be good enough for them, tend to their every single need so that the concept of cleaning up after oneself is not necessary, and make them believe that they are in fact masters of the universe. (Oh, and they work their ASSES off for these ungrateful schlubs). Perhaps the GPS dudes are masters of their parents' domain but most don’t even do their own laundry. Or anything productive for that matter. Why do anything yourself when there’s someone willing to do these things for you?
In addition to the aforementioned, GPS dudes usually have the following traits: arrogance, blind nationalism (for the homeland of their parents)(which most of them have never ever visited), misogyny, racism, homophobia and the tendency to hang out in GPS cliques. Anything to make oneself feel above anyone and everyone else. There perhaps is nothing more cringe-inducing on earth than a pack of GPS dudes out on the town for the night. It’s as bad as a group of fraternity bros in gingham shirts and matching cargo shorts. These guys act like they have the experience of the world, dispense advice like Dr. Phil and have never paid a single goddamn utility bill. The best part is GPS dudes tend to live with their parents. Forever. “Why move out” “why spend money” “someone cooks” “someone cleans” are just of a few of the excuses. Hey, free rent is great but maybe for a few years so you can save for a down payment on a PLACE OF YOUR OWN. GPS dudes rarely finish college or get a two-year degree after going to college full time for several years. If they do get a bachelor's degree it’s treated as a miracle that’s pumped up, distorted and advertised to the max. (My cousin had a GPS dude hit on her that said he was in hospital administration when he was actually an EEG tech).
The tricky thing about GPS guys is that they can pull off appearances for a while and fool a person into thinking they’re functioning adult males. Nice car, nice watch, gold chain, stylish dresser, big social group, always out on the weekends. A normal woman would think, “Wow, this guy must have his shit together.” Wrong! Bullshitting at a bar on the weekends may be considered employment to a guy afflicted with GPS. Career-mindedness is not a priority. (There are exceptions to the rule. I know an accountant that commutes to Chicago from his Mommy and Daddy’s home). The ability to go straight to the local watering hole on a Friday is of utmost priority. Don’t get me started on relationships- or lack thereof. Hookups with women have to be limited to the female’s home, hotel or in a vehicle- or in my limited personal experience, the parents home before the parents' 3-11 work shift is over (which is fine in high school but as a thirtysomething I did not appreciate watching the clock while making out). I’ve even witnessed a GPS dude cut to the chase and slip his hand up a girls skirt (with consent) while sitting at a bar in front of a room full of people. (That guy’s nickname is now Fingerbanger). Women are either hot and to be had, sluts if you’ve had them, or nags once you marry one. There is no in between. GPS dudes will wear a Rolex watch while bragging about the price then go home and sleep in a bed made by mom and a house paid for by dad. Isn’t that the sexiest thing you’ve ever heard?
Female siblings of Golden Penis Syndrome affected males tend to be very well educated, usually overachieving, multitasking, well-rounded girls. It is because these females have learned cooking, cleaning (up after their brothers, too), and hardcore studying since birth. They have to be presentable, nice, smart, and good. They have been prepared to care for their own future Golden Penis Syndrome-affected husbands and sons. They are hostesses of the highest caliber, while their brothers can barely move their eyes away from the TV to muster a hello to a guest. It’s disgusting. I have a younger brother and on the GPS scale, he’s about a 3.4/10, thank jeebus it’s not worse than that but sometimes he needs a kick in the teeth.
Why am I telling you this? Because after my husband died, in my darkest of days, in the lowest of lows, I would go out to a bar frequented by many many GPS dudes. I grew up with these fellas. Most started off sane. They seemed like a friendly, familiar bunch at first. I noticed patterns after a while. They were all pretty self-centered (which makes sense) and lived on empty alcoholic pursuits. They were mean and judgmental of everyone that wasn’t exactly like them. It was disturbing. I went there to drown my sorrows for a bit and then move on. They were just there. They had nothing else to do. Even the ones that were married were so used to their routine of GPS clique drink time that they neglected their families. Then the condescending life advice started to roll in. It was moronic, getting advice from adults that had no idea how to stand on their own two feet. They all thought they were experts. As if going on the occasional golf trip and taking your mom to the dentist qualified as life experience. I realized what crazy, misdirected, fear-fueled parental love can do. How the tiniest message can get blown way out of proportion and inflict a lifetime of damage. Well intentioned, sure, but holy hell, I didn’t want to create my own monster or end up with one as a partner. Plus, the occasional hookup with a young hottie GPS dude was highly dramatized and not worth the effort. It’s too bad. He was so pretty.
So, to all the people reading this, take warning, it’s a real problem. I learned my lesson! And to my GPS guys, thank you for showing me the occasional good time but also for motivating my self-healing and parenting style. I know no GPS dude is reading this because they're too cool, way smarter than me, their Breitling/Panerai/Rolex watch needs attention, and it’s time for another shot of self-loathing and delusion. Waitress!